"Keep a little bit of madness in you. Just a little touch of it. Just enough, so you don't become stupid. A little madness will keep you alive, because no one in the world knows how to tax that." - Robin Williams - Reality... What a ConceptI had that album on cassette (ironical) it was one of my first purchases, if not the first comedy album I ever owned. I listened to it so often I memorized it, before the tape fell apart and I had to stop playing it.
I loved Mork & Mindy. Watched his appearances on Carson. Went to see every film he was in, just because he was in it, and for no other reason.
I was outraged at Dead Poets Society, though. (spoilers!) I've watched it since, and I know now that I was wrong, that I shouldn't have been so angry at the suicide portrayed in that film. But at the time I felt it was a betrayal, that it was an acknowledgement of the darkness in the world, that the film let the darkness win, by killing what I saw as the main character, the character I identified with at the time. Worse, I associated Robin with the film, because I had gone to see it specifically because he was in it.
All of us fight our own inner demons. I've fought with depression for many years, longer than I can count. Menieres has only made it harder to cope with, but the darkness has been there for as long as I can remember. So long, in fact, that I don't even remember when I made the pact with myself (unlike others) that I wouldn't contemplate suicide.
It's a sad observation of human existence that suicides increase when someone else commits suicide; this is especially true of prominent figures. Watching MSNBC's coverage, I was struck by this when they flashed the numbers for suicide prevention on the screen. I feel it is a shame that Robin let depression win; and as someone who fights depression, and who knows there are others out there engaged in a daily battle with it, I have to see it as letting depression win. This is not a judgement on Robin, or an observation of failure on his part.
Depression is not cancer; or maybe it is. Cancer of the mental processes, perhaps. In any case, when the physical body fails (and it will, for all of us) then it really is over. But when the mind gets trapped in that inward spiral, no one can break you out of it unless you want them to, unless you want to keep living. That is a choice you make.
I will not leave a body for relatives to find, to ask themselves "what did I do wrong" when it isn't about them. It's about me. There will be no notes. No questions. Because (fate willing) I will not have to make that choice. I just hope I have time to write down all the things I think need to be related before that Mind That Bus moment happens.
Like Dead Poets Society. It's not actually about the suicidal character; or rather, it not just about him. It's about the mousy little guy who follows along for the whole film (my first conscious introduction to Ethan Hawke, another actor who's films I try not to miss) never hazarding more than is required of him because he is too afraid to take that chance. It's about all the other characters, sucking all the marrow because they had a teacher who encouraged them to live life to its fullest. Because we're only here for a brief moment, and then we're gone.